And so. The thing that has happened.

It was a Dark and Early Saturday Morning

I woke up at 4am this morning and mostly did not fall asleep again until now. Of course, my state of wakefulness is continuing for the present and, sadly, the forseeable future. While I was lying in bed, I thought of Things that I Hate About Stockings. Those of you who never wear stockings may want to stop at this point, wary of a clearcut case of TMI.

Stockings and why they are Horrible
-Low Riding Crotch. Is there any worse feeling than your upper thighs rubbing together and a constraining bridge of nylon holding your legs together partway down? This is a rhetorical question, because the answer is: NO.

-Rolly Waistband. This one is related to Low Riding Crotch, and occurs pretty much every time you sit down. It necessitates unseemly tugging at your stockings through your clothes in public, and is never a good thingg.

-Toe Strangulation. You know when there is a hole in your stockings at the bottom, and one of your toes sneaks its way through the hole and spends the rest of the day inside your shoe being tugged on? Vile, isn't it?

-Control Top. There is this funny thing about my body: it doesn't like to be controlled. So it may well be controlled (mostly) beneath the pantyhose, but at the point where the pantyhose ends, suddenly my belly fat burbles out with wild abandon and has an extremely jiggly and hideous party. Let's not even get into how uncomfortable it is to have an unyielding cage of nylon encasing your upper thighs and lower abdomen.

-Runs. What kind of nincompoop designed a garment that can be rendered completely useless forever by brushing ever so slightly against a twig?

-The Cruel Fact that Colourful Stockings with a Cute Minidress is still a great way for those of us with no bosom but decent legs to look sexy. Thus preventing me from just giving up on them altogether.

posted by annika fox @ 6:29 a.m.